The Mosquito State

With the new state government budget restraint at work in Connecticut, we all have to do our part to help. If we continue to utilize state and local government services, with no regard for the new belt-tightening regime, the Democrats will demand that we tax the millionaires, which would put Hartford Business Journal columnists at grave risk.

The margin here is razor thin. The second year of the two-year budget cycle only gave the government boys about a 4 percent increase to play with. That’s barely enough to keep the Permanent Commission on the Status of Women stocked up with research tools with which to assess the status of women.

Give the legislative Republicans credit. All three of them proposed lopping off the head of every 10th state employee, to reduce payroll and in recognition of the fact that we just can’t bring ourselves to use fewer government services, no matter the economic times. That proposal lost on an informal vote of 412-3. We’re back where we started. Use fewer government services.

Grandma In The Attic

Do not put grandma in a nursing home and bust the Medicare budget. Give her a rocker in the attic and tell her you need her to help with the kids.

Speaking of kids, don’t send them to school. Schools are very expensive. Home school your children. You can give them condom lessons that are just as good as the ones they would get in middle-school classes.

Do not throw out your garbage. Bury it in the back yard and plant vegetables over the mess. If you throw out your garbage, your town will be charged $769 million by the Connecticut Resource Recovery Authority for every piece of junk mail that hits the dump.

Even newspaper columnists, who contribute nothing to the public good, must help in the collective effort to use fewer government services.

My contribution? I will warn you in sufficient detail and with appropriate scientific accuracy.

There will be no need for the state Department of Public Health, the Connecticut Agricultural Experiment Station, the state Department of Agriculture and Farmers’ Markets to study, trap and engage in dialogue with mosquitoes, to conduct press conferences about mosquitoes or to lecture us about how West Nile Virus is a threat from mosquitoes and that the virus usually attacks old people, except for grandma, who is now locked in the attic in her rocker.

My take over of the mosquito safety system will save hundreds of thousands of dollars in unnecessary research expense, because, at the end of the day, we all know that the state won’t spray the mosquitoes. The failure to enforce the death penalty for bugs means that all the rest of the street theater is irrelevant.

It doesn’t matter that the scientists would trap and hold meetings with the mosquitoes. It doesn’t matter if, or how many, Connecticut residents would become ill or die from West Nile Virus. Connecticut won’t spray the mosquitoes. So, instead of all the expensive scientific study of the sex lives of mosquitoes, all you need is a free reminder from me of the state’s lame advice:

Do not go outdoors in the morning, at high noon, or in the afternoon or early evening — or late at night. Wear long-sleeved shirts, even when you are taking a shower. Use bug spray — not the kind that actually would kill the mosquitoes, but the kind that will offend them sufficiently to send them home in a huff. If possible, move to a state that actually kills mosquitoes. Many states do that.

There. I have just saved the state hundreds of thousands of dollars in staff time and mosquito-trap purchases. Put this column on your refrigerator door and be warned. And whatever you do, don’t call state health officials for clarifications. The person answering the phone receives a generous salary and Swedish health insurance. We can’t afford to have anyone answer the phones this year. Hunker down. Stay indoors.

Laurence D. Cohen is a freelance writer.